Every wall breaks sometimes...

Im a pretty tough lady. When it comes to bad things happening within someones life there is a really good chance I have experienced it first hand. In a weird way I thank these people for these horrible and yet life changing events.

I watched a very favorite show of mine tonight. Army Wives. It hits very close to home for me seeing as how alot of what they talk about on the show is true in ways. I will however clarify that the military is like never leaving high school. There is always drama and most of the time it's ugly. Which is why I know about 5 of my neighbors and I personally am good with that.

Anyway, as I am watching I realize what tonights story line is about. I guess in way I haven't had a chance to really miss Shawn. Actually I know I haven't. I have been too busy. I have had things that sadly took away that ability for me to get through the grief for whatever time it was going to be here. Tonight however the grief has come thanks to the story line.

Different people. Completely different lives. All going through the same thing. I honestly wish I could say that it didn't hurt, it does. For the last 2 months it has been like I have been stubbing my toe over and over again and I just keep walking it off. But now. It's like I broke my whole leg. Bad analagy I know. You get my point.

Blogging this seems to help. For how long I couldn't tell you. Seeing as how it took this long to creep up and make me realize there is a good chance that it will probably hang around until I get word he is on his way home. I will say one thing I am proud of him. I feel blessed to know him, my brother, my 2 brother in laws, and my nephew and neice and all of my friends. They are amazing people.

Projects galore, oh and cleaning too!!!

I have things up my sleeve...

You see December is fast approaching... And I am one to not let projects go undone.. I have ideas, great and unique ones at that..

Thanks to some google research I have all the instructions I need to make all of it a reality!! Oh and my great friend Jennifer too...

We will order some pizza, turn on the iron, dust off the sewing machine and make some magic!!! Magic that everyone will have to wait until December to see!!

Since the projects are 100% for Shawn's fast approaching homecoming I want them to be a surprise, because sometimes he does actually read what I blog. When he is bored anyway. And with being on a ship in the middle of nowhere I imagine he gets bored alot (I love you Shawn).

But I will leave you with the smallest hint of what I am up against (I say that because I just discovered my crafty side).

Project one will include 5 black t-shirts and 5 long sleeve yellow shirts. Some yellow fabric. Black and yellow thread, an iron, pizza and some drinks with a great friend.

Project two will include Shawn's old cammies, a pair of scissors, and a wreath. (I think you can guess this one)

Project three includes some more fabric and twin/full/queen size sheets, sewing machine and different color thread!

And the fourth project will include makeup, a blowdryer, some hair gel, clothing and my husband!!! <- This will obviously be the homecoming I have been longing for since the day he left.

Well now that was fun!

Lack of blogging has to do with lack of time. Something that I have truly taken for granted.

My two awesome teenage nieces were in town and keeping them occupied included random trips to places like Dana Point, CA where James very loudly shouted "Mommy they have crabs!" Im not so sure I will ever stop turning red over that one.

We also went to Hollywood, CA. Which in my honest opinion was sooo not worth the drive. For one have you ever had to tell a 6 year old he is going to have to hold it because there is no public restroom in sight. You pay 10 bucks to park and you get lost coming back from the Hollywood sign. However the walk of fame was pretty neat and I got a bunch of pictures of it.

We hung around Oceanside for the most part. Not straying to far out of the ordinary.

But before our trip was done and over with and I had the chance to pack up and take us all on our 6 hour drive to Arizona Michelle decided she needed an emergency room trip with a HUGE flasback to May's visit (which I still havent finished explaining all the way about that one). No one can tell us what happened. One minute she was fine, the next she was curled into a ball in extreme pain that had her heart rate soaring over 200 and her temperature was over 104. Nothing has been explained. There was no cause found in her blood for the fever and there was no shunt malfunction. Weird.

But to my surprise my sister in law flew out the day after Michelle was admitted and was able to stay with me for a few days. She has not seen Michelle in almost 2 years and has NEVER met Abigail before all of this. She originally came out help me but got to hang out and have fun with me and the kids. Now my bed is extremely empty and I miss everyone.

Staying busy is my goal. I have a ton of plans before December. Actually more like goals. A hefty savings account is part of that goal. Im working on that now!!

Quickly

I have been WAY past MIA. You see I am playing Aunt Tara to two teenage neices. And my they are way fun and remind me a little of myself 8 years ago. I am going to miss them when they leave butttttt I get two more way fun neices to play with right after that. Such a bittersweet situation I tell you.

One a awesome note... You may remember me telling you about Abigail having VUR (kidney reflux) you can go here, here, and here to catch up on that.

Buuuuuuuttttttttttttttttttttttt


Wait for it....

.............................................................


Her VUR is GONE!!!!!!! Now it can come back, it's rare but it could happen!!!!! My baby girl is *crosses fingers and prays like crazy* cured of her kidney disease!!!!!!


On a really good note Michelle is doing great and so is everyone else. I promise when I get 5 more minutes there will be plenty of pics and updates!!

Thinking back: Wednesday May 26th

Thinking about this day makes my heart hurt. Only because the way she looked, the way she acted, the way her vitals were. When they began taking Michelle's vitals every 30 minutes I knew something was no right.

Whenever we tried to wake her we had to use PAINFUL stimulation. There were times that the stimulation didn't even work. I remember sitting there thinking that I needed a shower more than anything but that I didn't want to leave Michelle for any reason. I asked the nurse if I could just shower in her room since we had a private room and that I would be 5 minutes tops. She said I could.

After I showered I was getting dressed and I heard her monitors go off. Extremely alarmed I got dressed quickly and ran out of the bathroom to see that he heart rate dropped into the low 50's and wasn't recovering. With a quick page to Dr. Meltzer Catscan was once again waiting for us, as was the OR. The same faces that greeted us the day before greated us again that morning. With CT done and on the way back to the floor I got the gut wrenching feeling that the worst wasn't over yet.

We waited in our room for about 15 minutes and Michelle was just getting worst and worst. I picked her up and just prayed. Prayed for some sort of answer. Some sign of hope. Something that wasn't my worst fear. All of a sudden Dr. Meltzer appeared and said that the lateral ventrical was extremely enlarged and was putting pressure where she didn't need pressure and that if he didn't relieve it than she would start having trouble breathing and swallowing and that her heart rate would continue to go down. I signed the consent forms and we were on our way to the OR.

As we walked upstairs Dr. Meltzer was very imatiently waiting for us. Apparently he wanted us up there the minute that I signed the consent. He helped wheel her back for me to meet the nurse and anesthesiologist and then said I will see you soon mom. 'Mom'. I word I longed to hear come from Michelle. She went back with them just sleeping away not knowing what was going on. I gave her a quick kiss and sang her her night night song even though she was still sleeping.

I went to wait in the waiting room (which was cramped with so many people). I didn't dare leave. I was too scared to. As I sat and watched families come in and out I remember thinking I just want to get out of here. As I waited I went over mine and Dr. Meltzer's discussion prior to the operation.

"If I get in there and I find that her belly is full of fluid that is not going anywhere I am just going to externalize her shunt until she is strong enough to withstand another surgery and I will meet with her team of surgeons to decide if her heart or lungs are a better place to put the shunt."

I felt ansy while waiting. I was in one of those moods of hurry up and finish already. I waited about an hour and the nurse came and got me. While I was waiting our anesthesiologist walked by and noticed me waiting she came in to tell me that on her end Michelle did great. I asked her hoping for the better of the two answers about how she did. She said he had to extrenalize her shunt. My heart sank. Knowing that her belly is the better of the places this meant another surgery and one that would require more doctors to do it.

Dr. Meltzer said that there was just too much scar tissue and her belly just couldn't handle 3 seperate shunt systems right now. He also said that he would be waiting at the least 48 hours until he would do another surgery. Her vitals were very unstable and that if she didn't recover quickly she would be moved to the PICU for closer observation.

After a while im not sure how much I heard of our conversation. In all honesty I was cruched that she would have to endure another surgery in such little time. And the fact that we may possibly be facing a PICU admission was even scarier to me. It didn't take long for them to call me back to be with her.

I didn't know what to expect when I walked in and saw her. She was awake. And talking. And looking for me. She gave me a weak smile when I walked into her area. I could see it in her face that she was hurting. Stubborn little Michelle kept telling her nurse she didn't have any owies so she didn't give her anything. The finally gave her some demerol and she went off to sleep. We were moved back to our room shortly after.

That night was hard. She was hurting, but she was awake. She was hungry but she just continued to retch whenever she moved. We went through 3 iv's that night and I wasn't sure how much her and I could take. Finally we fell asleep and didn't wake up until her morphine wore off. It was nice to get a few hours of sleep and to see her move around and not just lay there with that 'blank' face that she had earlier in the day.

Thinking back: Tuesday May 25th.

Knowing how Monday ended I had prayed for a better Tuesday. But not conciously knowing exactly when Monday ended and Tuesday began was proabably my first sign that it was going to be a bad day.

The constant retching. The constant crying. The constant nurse standing over both of us as I worked around Michelle to vent her belly and eventually just put her to a gravity vent to allow everything that was in her belly to just come out so that maybe, just maybe she would stop retching.

Dr. Meltzer came to do his rounds earlier than we are used to. I think the nurse may have had something to do with it seeing as how we had to have paged him at least 10 times during the night. He asked how she was and if I was seeing any baseline at all. I told him no. With that worried look on his face he moved and worked around me to see how she reacted to sudden light, a scream that I had never heard before erupted out of Michelle. He turned the light off and said that he wanted to get a few more tests and have GI come in and see her and then he would come back and talk to me.

In the meantime I asked our nurse to please find us a private room or better room mates as the ones who were with us liked to discuss things that were completely inapropriate for any child no matter the age to hear.

Within 10 minutes of Dr. Meltzer leaving the nurse from catscan came to get us. With Michelle being monitored we needed a constant nurse to escort us to and from places. She was surprised to see us and we have made friends all over the hospital and she happens to be one of them. When we got upstairs I discovered it was a room full of people we knew and who know Michelle. I stayed with Michelle while she got her scan and it took 4 times before we finally got one where she wasn't moving. I remember looking up and seeing the radiologist shake his head and grab the phone. Im going to imagine it was Dr. Meltzer he was calling because right after that he showed up.

He said he wanted to have Michelle's abdomen checked out for a bowel obstruction. With the tubing having been trapped in the scar tissue anything was possible. So we went over to fluroscopy (live x-ray) and they put some barium through her g-tube and watched it move. Or so we hoped it would. It barely moved anywhere. They said they needed more x-rays and to watch her more closely and talk to Dr. Meltzer. While we were hanging out watching stuff move around the Radiologist came in and told me that we were going to the OR and that Dr. Meltzer would talk to me over there.

At this point I was so confused and all Michelle did was sleep and when she wasn't sleeping she was retching. We walked over to the OR and there was Nurse Jackie waiting for us. She was so sweet and so nagging of Dr. Meltzers pager that I promise she had to have had him paged 6 times in 10 minutes. She said she didn't want us waiting too long and that if she nagged him he moved faster.

When he got there that same look that he had the night before was back. Worry. He said that her other 2 shunts had stopped working and that her pressures were dangerously high and that he needed to get in and release the pressure. I of course consented after seeing 3 seperate scans of her brain and seeing the amount of fluid. You could barely see her brain tissue and that was very scary for me. He also said he was very concerned she had a bowel obstruction and would be getting another x-ray while in surgery to rule it out.

Againg I told myself a proximal swich out would probably be an hour this time so I ran and got something to eat. When I got back I was surprised that it had only taken me 20 minutes to eat. I sat back down and I waited. And waited... And waited...

It took them over 3 1/2 hours before I finally saw the OR nurse come out. She didn't tell me anything other than they were all done and that the doctors would be in to talk to me soon. At the time it didn't ring in my head 'doctors". Plural. More than one. When we went in it was one doctor.

Dr. Saenz showed up first. I was happy to see him until he sat down. He told me that he had to help Dr. Meltzer with the surgery and that they had a very difficult time getting the tubing into her belly. He went on to say that Michelle has a larger amount of scar tissue than they had anticipated so he had to try and create a pocket for one of the shunts.

Dr. Meltzer came in right after Dr. Saenz. That expression of worry was back on his face. He sat down and told me that when he went to connect the two shunts as they were before everytime he advanced the tubing into her belly it would stop the shunts from draining so he had to create 2 seperate systems on her right side. That made it 3 completely different shunt systems all doing the same thing. He went on to say that he had to leave one of the proximal catheters in her brain because it was stuck and that he didn't want to cause bleeding by taking it out and that all of the distal tubing was just like the day before. Completely clogged.

Luckily it turned out Michelle's bowel was fine just very slow moving. A slow moving bowel is something I was very grateful for.

After talking to him I felt strangely numb. Like I shouldn't freak out yet because the worst was yet to come. I went back and waited to go to the PACU to see her. When they finally called me back she was awake. And she wanted a popsicle. I told her just as soon as I could get her one she could have it. They gave her some Demerol for the pain and we went to her room just after that.

When we got back to her room she actually was hungry. So we tried some rice and broth and she only ate 2 or 3 bites and then only licked her popsicle like 4 times. I brushed it off as she was still sleepy and probably hurting and I just had her go to sleep. Sleep was something that never came easily Tuesday night. When she wasn't screaming in pain she was retching again.

Again we paged Dr. Meltzer. Again he showed up at bedside at 2 in the morning with that same expression. He said he wanted to try and give her a chance to get some sleep before he did anything else. Again tuesday turned into Wednsday before I knew it.

Thinking back: Monday May 24th.

Thinking back: Monday May 24

Monday morning was supposed to be like no other. I was supposed to get Michelle ready to go to school and get the boys ready as well and head out for our day just like any other day. I enjoy my "ordinary" days. In fact I LOVE those days.

But what Michelle and I did was worst. Way worst.

Sunday ended with a call to the on call Neurosurgery department at UCSD. Children's wasn't on call that night and I had no choice. I had already taken her to the ER on Friday to be told it looks like severe constipation is keeping her shunt from draining. Have her take this medicine and come see us Monday at 9 A.M.

Knowing that we had an appointment for Monday was slightly relieving. But not all the way. With my phone call left un-returned and the fact that Michelle was now comfortable and sleeping I felt ok with staying home and just making the journey down in the morning. They wouldn't have been able to do anything that late anyway unless they felt she was critical and at that point she was still laughing to a point.

That night we maybe got 4 hours of sleep. She was just miserable. So I finally decided we would just go to the ER and take our chances there. Surely they would see that she wasn't herself and they would at least figure it out faster than the clinic would have. By the time we got everything together it was past 7 and in the middle of rush hour traffic. I tried as best as I could to go faster but unless you have those pretty blue and red lights people just do not move. So we waited our turn.

While we were in traffic I called a great friend of mine and asked her "what should I do?? Should I try for the clinic or just go to the ER?" I knew very well that UCSD was right up the road and if she continued to look like she did we would just stop and call an ambulance. Finally the traffic broke and I told her I was just going to the ER. At this point it was past 8 and I still had another 20 minutes ahead of me if I didn't want to get a hefty ticket to go along with the sick child.

We finally pulled into Children's and I always valet my car whenever we go to the ER. It's easier than walking the parking lot. The valet guy was no where in sight and Michelle was retching so hard she looked as though she was seizing. I started to walk away and the guy was finally there so I got that all taken care of and walked into the waiting room. One of the nurses from the TRIAGE area recognized me and recognized Michelle and saw her retching and immediately thought she was seizing and asked me how long she had been seizing for. I told her she wasn't seizing she was trying to puke and couldn't get it past her fundo.

They took her from me and as I followed them through the halls some of the strain was lifted. Knowing where we were and that everyone knew us and that soon this would be all over and we would be home. "She has a virus" is what I told myself until her surgeon walked into the ER to examine Michelle. After that I knew that her shunt had failed and we were going to surgery.

We were upstairs and into the OR before I knew it. She was sleeping and I let the nurse carry her back. I went to sit in the waiting room knowing that a simple proximal catheter switch out only takes 30 minutes and if I left to do anything he would be done before I got back. I didn't want to chance that so I stayed in the waiting room with everyone else.

1230 she went into surgery....

1330 she still wasn't out....

1430 she still wasn't out...

With every passing minute I started to get more and more nervous. About 1435 (aka 2:45) I finally saw one of the OR nurses Nurse Jackie peek her head in and wave at me. Relief is what I felt right then until I saw that look on her face.

She said "it took alot longer than her thought it would and I promise he will explain as soon as he gets out here but for now im going to go sit with Michelle." Everything just seemed odd.. What did she mean by that I kept thinking.

I sat and waited for Dr. Meltzer to come in and after what felt like forever he showed up with this worried expression on his face. Now I know Dr. Meltzer. I can tell you your first impression of him is not what you would expect. He's rude, self centered and very very overprotective of his patients. And that would be why he is the amazing surgeon that he is. Once you get to know him he is really a caring man who wears his heart on his sleeve and these kiddos mean alot to him. Worry is an expression I have never seen on his face before. I have seen it on the NICU staff's faces when they found Michelle's bleed, I have seen it on plenty of other doctors and nurses but never on his. And frankly I never want to see that look again.

He said that when he got in her proximal catheter was completely blocked and so was the distal portion. He went on to say that there was more scar tissue in her abdomen than what he had hoped to find and with that that there was a good amount of the distal tubing stuck in scar tissue in her abdomen that he was unable to remove.

I sat in silence and listened to everything he said but still I just couldn't shake the look of worry on his face. He said she would be listed at fair condition until she started eating and drinking and that I could go and see her within a few minutes. I went and sat in the waiting room and about 15 minutes later I was back with her. One of the first things I noticed was that she wasn't waking up and she always woke up right away. I asked her nurse if she had woken up at all. She said no she had been sleeping since they got her and were just going to let her rest. I was fine with that.

We were finally transferred to our room on the Medical/Surgical floor of the hospital. I thought for sure she would wake up when we transferred her beds. No such luck. She just continued to sleep. The day shift nurse tried her hardest to calm my worries saying it would just take a little time and she would wake up. I can't tell you how many prayers I said right then but I think I chewed on someones ear for a while. I was almost asleep when I heard her wimper and it was the greatest thing I had heard all day.

We tried to get her to eat and drink but all she did was retch. For hours on end she retched. They gave her morphine to try to get her to sleep, and zofran for the nausea and tylenol as a backup to the morphine and nothing worked. 3 hours later she finally just collapsed and slept and as she slept I prayed.