Thinking back: Wednesday May 26th

Thinking about this day makes my heart hurt. Only because the way she looked, the way she acted, the way her vitals were. When they began taking Michelle's vitals every 30 minutes I knew something was no right.

Whenever we tried to wake her we had to use PAINFUL stimulation. There were times that the stimulation didn't even work. I remember sitting there thinking that I needed a shower more than anything but that I didn't want to leave Michelle for any reason. I asked the nurse if I could just shower in her room since we had a private room and that I would be 5 minutes tops. She said I could.

After I showered I was getting dressed and I heard her monitors go off. Extremely alarmed I got dressed quickly and ran out of the bathroom to see that he heart rate dropped into the low 50's and wasn't recovering. With a quick page to Dr. Meltzer Catscan was once again waiting for us, as was the OR. The same faces that greeted us the day before greated us again that morning. With CT done and on the way back to the floor I got the gut wrenching feeling that the worst wasn't over yet.

We waited in our room for about 15 minutes and Michelle was just getting worst and worst. I picked her up and just prayed. Prayed for some sort of answer. Some sign of hope. Something that wasn't my worst fear. All of a sudden Dr. Meltzer appeared and said that the lateral ventrical was extremely enlarged and was putting pressure where she didn't need pressure and that if he didn't relieve it than she would start having trouble breathing and swallowing and that her heart rate would continue to go down. I signed the consent forms and we were on our way to the OR.

As we walked upstairs Dr. Meltzer was very imatiently waiting for us. Apparently he wanted us up there the minute that I signed the consent. He helped wheel her back for me to meet the nurse and anesthesiologist and then said I will see you soon mom. 'Mom'. I word I longed to hear come from Michelle. She went back with them just sleeping away not knowing what was going on. I gave her a quick kiss and sang her her night night song even though she was still sleeping.

I went to wait in the waiting room (which was cramped with so many people). I didn't dare leave. I was too scared to. As I sat and watched families come in and out I remember thinking I just want to get out of here. As I waited I went over mine and Dr. Meltzer's discussion prior to the operation.

"If I get in there and I find that her belly is full of fluid that is not going anywhere I am just going to externalize her shunt until she is strong enough to withstand another surgery and I will meet with her team of surgeons to decide if her heart or lungs are a better place to put the shunt."

I felt ansy while waiting. I was in one of those moods of hurry up and finish already. I waited about an hour and the nurse came and got me. While I was waiting our anesthesiologist walked by and noticed me waiting she came in to tell me that on her end Michelle did great. I asked her hoping for the better of the two answers about how she did. She said he had to extrenalize her shunt. My heart sank. Knowing that her belly is the better of the places this meant another surgery and one that would require more doctors to do it.

Dr. Meltzer said that there was just too much scar tissue and her belly just couldn't handle 3 seperate shunt systems right now. He also said that he would be waiting at the least 48 hours until he would do another surgery. Her vitals were very unstable and that if she didn't recover quickly she would be moved to the PICU for closer observation.

After a while im not sure how much I heard of our conversation. In all honesty I was cruched that she would have to endure another surgery in such little time. And the fact that we may possibly be facing a PICU admission was even scarier to me. It didn't take long for them to call me back to be with her.

I didn't know what to expect when I walked in and saw her. She was awake. And talking. And looking for me. She gave me a weak smile when I walked into her area. I could see it in her face that she was hurting. Stubborn little Michelle kept telling her nurse she didn't have any owies so she didn't give her anything. The finally gave her some demerol and she went off to sleep. We were moved back to our room shortly after.

That night was hard. She was hurting, but she was awake. She was hungry but she just continued to retch whenever she moved. We went through 3 iv's that night and I wasn't sure how much her and I could take. Finally we fell asleep and didn't wake up until her morphine wore off. It was nice to get a few hours of sleep and to see her move around and not just lay there with that 'blank' face that she had earlier in the day.