Wow that went fast..

The kids are growing at an alarming rate!

Busy busy busy...

I have probably started this over about 5 times now. Trying to find the most important place to begin.

Things are calm. I like calm. Calm seems to like me at the moment (I may have broken my knuckle knocking hard on wood right now). Chaos likes me too but I am not a huge fan of him (yes it's a him in my book).

Michelle is doing wonderful. I guess I haven't really elaborated too much as to what happened from April into May other then she had a non functioning shunt. Most of you know that she has 3, that makes things complicated for her.. Very complicated..

Of course it was a day I was concerned and had a nagging feeling in my stomach that I should have kept her home. Thankfully her teacher is amazing and lets me text her throughout the day and responds during her break times to update me about Michelle. I had sent her a text during her break time that she never responded to and not 5 minutes later I got a phone call, Michelle was as white as a sheet and wasn't very responsive. She started to come around so I left her be. Diagnosis, she had a seizure. I hopped into the shower since that feeling wasn't going away and not 30 seconds after I stepped out the phone rang again, she had another seizure and her o2 levels weren't coming up very quickly. Off we went. Thankfully Shawn's work is really close to the school (no joke I could throw a rock and proably hit parts of the area he works in) and he met me there to hang with the little kids in the car.

Long story short Michelle got a ride in an ambulance for the second time this year to the emergency room. We weren't in the ER for more then a couple hours waiting for all the results when Neurosurgery came waltzing in. Now when they show up and you haven't even been told the final results you know things aren't 100%. And sure enough just as I had suspected and the resident had suspected a few days prior to this day her shunt had finally malfunctioned 100% and her fluid levels were increased so off to surgery she went.

She woke up perfect. Smiling, laughing, talking, playing, eating, drinking. Everything she needed to be doing. We were told we could go home the next day so long as things looked good. The next afternoon Michelle started slurring her words and acting out of sorts so our discharge was canceled for the day. Neurology thought she could have been overdosing on an epilepsy med so we were to stop using as much. We went home.

Michelle was home less then 12 hours before I walked into her room expecting just to unhook a feeding and finding a very lethargic, vomiting, feverish little girl. The first thing that flashed in my head was OH MY GOD HER SHUNT IS INFECTED! I rushed her back to the ER and we didn't leave for 2 weeks. Michelle had a TON of seizures. It took over 24 hours before her fever would respond to meds, she had an EEG, catscan, x-rays, labs and more labs and nothing was found. Nothing. No one had an answer. Things were said and then plans were changed making it all the more frustrating. Tempers flared (more mine then anyone else's). Finally we got the Neurosurgeon on call to see the light that maybe, just maybe Michelle's brain wasn't tolerating the fixed setting of the shunt on the faster flow anymore. He agreed to replace it with a programmable one and move the setting to slower flow. Voila! Michelle could sit up, eat, drink, talk, play, move without going ghost white and passing out and only needed pain meds about every 12 hours versus every 4 like before the surgery and we went home the next day!

I have to say that if it hadn't been for a nurse practitioner who went out of her way to complain and possibly get herself written up for it I think it would have taken us a few more days before we got Michelle the relief that she deserved. Don't get me wrong the surgeon who performed the surgery is 100% capable, it's just that he lacks what Michelle's regular neurosurgeon has going for him with us, knowledge of Michelle.

During this whole entire mess of complicatedness Shawn was back and forth almost everyday, the other kids were home with family, my mom had flown in from AZ and I stayed with her the whole time only leaving a couple of times to run some quick errands.

I am so thankful for the support we receive. It makes things a lot easier to focus our attention to where it needs to be. Im thankful for quick thinking teachers and aides who know when to call. I am thankful for rapid response times with the EMS here on base and that they listen when I tell them what to do and what not to do. I am thankful for wonderful nurses and doctors at the hospital who always put the patient before themselves.

I am so proud of my kids. Each and every one of them. They take everything in stride. Like this is just what life is like. Hunter and Abigail haven't really had to deal too much into the Michelle being in the hospital scene so it is a little bit harder for them but they still did amazing!

Everyone is now enjoying summer break driving me crazy just like they should be. Michelle starts summer school on Monday and the boys swim camp as well. It will just be me, Abigail and Hunter for the whole week! I guess I better find something for us to do!

What is Hydrocephalus?

So many are unaware. Hydrocephalus is a scary and life changing diagnosis. Google can only take you so far. And actually it's best to stay away from Dr. Google. This I have learned since finding out about it.

Michelle was just 4 days old when we got a phone call from the NICU team asking us to come in and meet with a team of doctors to go over some test results. I can remember this day perfectly clear. It was the second worst day of my life. And I am sure it will always be. Sitting in the "fishbowl" looking out through the windows with a perfect view of her incubator and monitors listening to the doctors tell us that Michelle's brain hemorrhaged an was continuing to do so. That after a routine ultrasound on her brain they rushed her to Cat Scan to get a better picture of what we were dealing with.

They passed around a lot of terms that I didn't even understand at the time. And to this day there are still a few that will most likely I will never understand. In the end their words were clear, Michelle would be diagnosed as a patient who has Cerebral Palsy. They went on to say IF she made it over the next 72 hours that she would most likely be blind, deaf, and severely impaired in more ways then one. That she would require a feeding tube if she didn't get the reflexes down. That she would most likely be in a wheel chair and would never walk. The only good thing they said was that she was moving her left side.

The right side of her brain was the side that took the most damage. She had a grade 4 Inter-ventricular Hemorrhage on the right and a grade 1 on the left. She was still reguiring oxygen and was given 4 blood transfusions to help her body replace what she was loosing.

They said because of the bleeding there appeared to be blood clots blocking the ventricals in her brain. What that meant was the normal flow of cerebral spinal fluid was blocked. Kind of like when you kink a hose of sorts and you watch the water just build up looking as though the hose would burst. This was happening inside her brain causing her ventricals to swell and put pressure on her brain forcing it against her skull. They said we will watch and wait and if need be she will need brain surgery to help relieve the pressure.

We waited for 17 days. The morning of her 21st day the phone rang very early in the morning. It was a man I had never spoken to before. He said his name was Major Mark Melton with Madigan Army Medical Center and that he was a Neurosurgeon. He explained that over night Michelle had become extremely lethargic and was vomiting and another Cat Scan of her brain showed 3 times the amount of CSF (cerebral spinal fluid) that was there just a few days before. Her head had expanded so much during the night that they had 6 different staff members check her head circumference.  He wanted my permission to take Michelle to surgery and place a reservoir that they would take fluid off of daily until she was the appropriate weight to withstand a shunt.

I remember being frantic, driving with no idea how fast I was going and literally yelling at some poor guy from Shawn's unit to find my husband and get him to the hospital where our daughter was. When I got there she was gone. They had already taken her to surgery. I remember I almost broke the NICU doors in my frustration to just get out of there. Some poor social worker followed me and I unleashed on her not meaning to.

I had read about Hydrocephalus. The outcomes for so many were not good. A lot of patients didn't make it. Michelle had already been through more in 21 days then most people in a lifetime. I kept thinking, how was she going to overcome this? She came back to the NICU pink and full of life. They had taken so much fluid off of her brain the surgeon said a shunt would be 100% necessary when she reached 5 pounds. She had barely just gotten back to 3. We had a few long weeks ahead of us. Everyday they measured her head and everyday they took fluid off this little bubble and sent it off to the lab for cultures and each time her head circumference would shrink back down within a few hours.

When she was 63 days old she got her first ventricular-peritoneal shunt or VP shunt as many call them. She came home a week later. I felt like I didn't know anything about anything and here the hospital hands me this tiny human and says she's yours. I kept thinking what the hell am I going to do? How is this going to affect us all now that she is home?

After another week long stay just a few days after coming home it appeared Michelle had a virus and developed Epilepsy. Something they said generally happens in patients with any type of brain trauma. And there was no getting around that Michelle's was a BIG trauma. For weeks I took her back and forth to the pediatrician. For weeks they said she had colic. For weeks she puked on me, cried non stop and neither of us got any sleep. Finally we went to check in with her Neurosurgeon. He took one look at her at a glance walking by us and said we were getting admitted that it was clear her shunt wasn't working.. Wait what?! How does it just quit? How dare it!

What was supposed to be a 45 minute procedure dragged in a 4 hour surgery with no update. At 4 hours they finally called me to tell me that she was still in surgery and that she had a massive infection in her abdomen and it had spread up the shunt tubing to her brain. She spent 21 days getting antibiotics and had to have her shunt removed and her CSF drained into an external bag. They were finally able to reinsert the shunt and we went home 2 days later.

No more then a month later Michelle's shunt malfunctioned again. This time we spent less then 24 hours in the hospital and she was fine. We went another 4 months before Michelle needed another revision.

The Marine Corps decided we needed to move down to California from Washington state. When we got here I got the biggest eye opener into the world of Hydrocephalus. We met Dr. Hal Meltzer when Michelle was transferred from Balboa Medical Center to Children's Hospital in San Diego. It was still months before I really understood what we were up against. Extensive therapy, OT, PT, Speech.. The works!

Michelle went malfunction free all of 2007. In 2008 she had multiple revisions resulting in her getting 2 shunts instead of 1. Her hydrocephalus was becoming extreme. And not in a good way. In 2009 she had even more. In 2010 she had 4 within a week. She was revision free for almost 3 whole years until January 2013.

In January Michelle was diagnosed with even a more severe form of Hydrocephalus, Slit Ventrical Syndrome. She needed a shunt revision and had to get 2 in less then 24 hours. She was lethargic, vomiting, seizing, and everything else that goes along with it. Her heart was all over the place. She had shallow breathing. She was a MESS. The second revision was more of an emergency then the first. She was completely non responsive and her right eye was deviating to the right while her left stayed perfectly straight. It took them no less then 30 minutes to have her to the OR.

Things were OK for a few weeks. Until last weekend. Things became bad. She was showing signs again of shunt malfunction and I rushed her to the ER. We were admitted into PICU and didn't leave for 9 days. Michelle required a cranial vault reconstruction to help treat her Slit ventical syndrome. We now know she also had Craniosynostosis. This surgery has proved to be exactly what she needed. Were it not she would not have gotten better.

We face the unknown all day everyday. We prepare for the worst and hope for the best. When and if we ever go on vacation we have a list of doctors and the route to the closest medical facility that can treat her. We go to doctors appointments almost weekly. Therapy is weekly. Medications have to be given to prevent constipation. To keep the bowels from pushing up on her shunts so fluid can flow freely.

Hydrocephalus is a scary and unknown condition that doesn't have nearly enough awareness behind it. Millions suffer from it. Many are shunted and many are living with the possibility of needing a shunt at any point in time. There is no CURE, no fix. Just treatment. The treatment is the same each and every time. Brain surgery.

Brain surgery. That's it. Nothing less.

I wish I could go back and cross my legs and sit in a bed for 4 more weeks so as to give her brain more time to grow so as to not be so fragile. I wish there was a cure so that not only Michelle but MILLIONS of others would be able to OVERCOME this. Hydrocephalus occurs 1 in every 500 children born.. There are different forms.

Acquired (developing after a trauma)

Congenital (being born with it)

Normal Pressure Hydrocephalus ( Occurs in the elderly)

For more information and ways to help support a cure visit here or here.

That is what Hydrocephalus is. A huge learning process and things are changing all the time. There are different types of shunts. There are millions living with it and have never even had a surgery to help relieve the pressure. I am beyond thankful that Michelle has received the treatments she has. Her Neurosurgeon has time after time saved her life. All of the doctors and nurses are a god send. Who knows maybe some day someone somewhere will find a cure and no one will ever have to have another brain surgery due to Hydrocephalus.

Hydrocephalus
Craniosyostois
Epilepsy
Cerebral Palsy
Normal pressure hydrocephalus

Cranial expansion surgery post op day 3

It never ceases to amaze me how resilient Michelle is. Honestly I admire her. Kid has some strength and will. Not to mention a personality that literally draws you to her no matter what. She is one of those kids that you love with all you have and she loves you twice as hard.

She did great last night. Was waking me up to tell me she was wet, thirsty, hungry or uncomfortable or she needed her ice pack for her eyes. She's been eating really well today. They decided since she has been holding her own on the eating and drinking scale to discontinue her fluids so the only things we have that we use the PICC line for now are her antibiotics and her decadron which is being weaned down.

Remember how I said the drain was coming out today? Yea that didn't happen. Apparently there was A LOT of miscommunication in the Neurosurgery department today. Like in a way that her surgeon came by and talked to me, asked Michelle a ton of questions and put the order in to take the drain out that the resident needed to come do. Well he never did. As the day progressed we paged him and he didn't answer so we paged the on call NSG who said that none of them were at the hospital to remove it but someone would be there at 8 tomorrow to take it out. I am super annoyed by that and here's why, we made a HUGE effort today to prepare Michelle for it. Child life came in and told her what they were going to be doing, explained every detail to her. She was okay with it. Actually looking forward to it. And then we had to tell her that it wasn't happening today because people cannot communicate. So disappointing. 

Here's some BIG news, her eyes are beginning to open. We see a huge improvement each time we use an ice pack on her. She even touch my nose and her daddy's hat. That is a BIG step. The dr said that she has to be able to open her eyes, pass her neuro exams, eat, drink, and have the drain out. So we should be home very soon. I know he is concerned because this is Michelle and she has her own plans and schedule but I told her today that were gonna try a different one for forever. She said that was okay because she didn't want to come back to the hospital.

It has been nice though. A lot of the nurses who took care of her when she was a baby obviously haven't seen her in a while since she had some really good years where she was well, but have been stopping by and saying hi and even some of the PICU team who took care of her last time have made a point to come over or in when they are walking by. 

I almost forgot! PICU signed off on her so she is no longer on their service! So now to get neurology and neurosurgery to let us go home.

Cranial expansion surgery post op day 2

Today has been awesome. Like really awesome.

We moved out of PICU late this morning. Michelle has adjusted to the step down side ICU very well. She's also enjoyed her morphine really well today. Were working on that one. Less morphine more tylenol.

So far she has been able to stay off the hypertonic saline and her sodium levels are stable. After we let the morphine wear off this morning she became a lot more responsive and willing to do some of what we were asking her. Like eating ice chips. That's a lot better then what we were doing this morning. I am pretty sure her lips were really sticky from us just trying to get her to take a sip of something. And eating was beyond out. Now as a matter of fact she is hungry and is waiting for her food to arrive right now.

She absolutely hates the ice packs. Like to the point she actually threw a fit over them earlier and made the monitors see red and scared her nurse. Luckily she calmed down and let me put them on for a bit. Her right eye seems to have take the brunt of the swelling. Her left has actually tried and almost successfully opened twice today.

Tomorrows plan is to take her drain out. Still aren't sure when we may get discharged but Michelle is starting to return to herself.

Cranial expansion surgery post op day 1 Update #2

Things are moving QUICKLY. An what that means is, they removed the arterial line because Michelle's pressures are as stable as stable comes, the removed an IV from her left hand cause it clotted, and they removed the femoral central line in her pelvis.

She has come down A LOT on her morphine and tylenol need. We have been able to get her to wake up and talk to us. Most of the time it is for a good amount of time. She is eating and drinking and the nurse has turned her saline that is running into her PICC line down 5 times today. The next step is off. They are still keeping a close eye on her blood count to make sure she doesn't require another transfusion and her sodium levels since they turned off her hypertonic saline.

Everyone here is very surprised at the amount of progress she has made only being 24 hours post op. As of now her eyes are swollen completely shut. The Neurologists aren't too happy about that because they really wanna look at her eyes. But they are happy because some of Michelle's tone from her CP seems to be returning, which means she is regaining the use of all her limbs ( I would know I got whacked trying to help the nurse take out the lines). These are good things. Very good things.

My hope is to be able to move her out of the PICU by tomorrow. If they doctors don't think she is ready then they wont but they did say if they move her there will be a PICU nurse assigned to her for at least 24 hours more so that they can monitor her sodium and should it drop they can restart the hypertonic saline and move her back to PICU. They say the only way to get where you want to go is to put one foot forward right? So if we have a setback I am alright with that.

Let me tell you something I have learned about since being here. It's called Healing Touch. They have been having trained RN's come around and provide the service for Michelle. She's seem to respond very well to it. Before you break out your voodoo dolls take a breathe. Tonight she offered to do it for me. I said sure why not! Let me get a first hand glimpse into what this is all about. Well here's what its all about folks:

We all have energy about our bodies, were full of it! Both positive and negative. Healing Touch is about helping to rid the body of the negative energy. Through the power of touch and not touching they very amazingly help you to help the negative leave your body. I am not even kidding, she asked me if I have been carrying any stress or any pain and I have it's all been tension in my neck. After about 10 minutes I couldn't feel the tension. Look this stuff up and quit sticking me in the eye with your voodoo needles. This stuff works! As long as you keep an open mind to it you can honestly FEEL IT.

Needless to say I asked them to come back tomorrow to do another pain session with Michelle. And I will be taking a class on this ASAP. I want to learn. Look it up.

Cranial expansion surgery post op day 1 early morning update

Michelle had a good night. And by good night I mean two doses of pain meds and some tylenol along with some broth and Jello and about 5 1/2 hours of alertness. More then any of us anticipated.

Today the plan is to get her drinking more at least. Waking more. It seems like when we wake her up she is MAD. Not in a way because she is hurting but because her eyes are swollen shut now. There is a lot of swelling all of which we were told to expect. They want to take some of the lines out of her today. She's got two IV's in each hand, a PICC line in her arm and a femoral central line in her pelvic area which makes diaper changes a little difficult and an arterial line in her left hand. Oh and her drain that is helping relieve any fluid pressure changes in her head which isn't putting out much at all which I hope is a good thing.

Im scared to touch her too much. It's kinda like when she was in the NICU and they told me I could touch her that I wouldn't hurt her but I was scared to death that they were wrong and my touch would hurt her. I mean come on she's gotta be hurting right?!

They said we should be able to take the arterial line out maybe today and give her some meds to help more with the swelling since she hasn't been out of bed since Saturday evening. Her whole body is kinda swollen but with her face being the worst. The bruising has started. Daddy was teasing her about not boxing without gloves or something last night but she wasn't letting him get too far with that.

Hopefully we can get a real bed for her today and get moved downstairs to the medical unit versus being in the PICU (which is ridiculously loud considering its intensive care and these kids really need some rest). But if not I am going to push for them to get her a bigger bed. She is more comfortable that way and then we can cuddle her the way she wants to.

Her Neurosurgeons have come by already. All of them saying the same thing, that we will assess her headaches when she's more alert and isn't in too much pain.

Neurology isn't saying much just making sure everything is kinda doing what it's supposed to be doing or was doing before the surgery and before she declined so quickly neuro wise.

The PICU team is on board with all of that so I guess we are too. I just wish some of these meds could get stopped. But that will come with time. It's time since she had her meds that I wake her up and try and get her to drink something. Maybe we can keep her awake for a while so we can get a good neuro exam so some of the doctors will breathe a little bit.

Day of surgery.

So I am going to do my best with keeping everyone updated. It's hard for me to find down time to do this but here I go.

As I am typing this Michelle is snoring in the background. Such a sweet snore it is. Seriously as far as snores go hers I love.

We went from the PICU where Michelle has been since Saturday night to the operating room this morning. We met with everyone except the plastic surgeon. I honestly think we just missed him. The plan was to expand her skull and give her brain a little more room. Room we now know was very much needed. I got to walk her back and see her to sleep and then I met up with daddy and hung out waiting for the word from the Neurosurgeon that his portion was over.

Honestly it didn't seem to take that long before our pager went off and we were taken back to talk with him. He said his portion went very well and that she was doing very well. We asked all the "normal" questions and then went back out to wait some more.

About two hours maybe less passed and the plastic surgeon came out to get us. He went over what he did and that he was able to create the much needed space and that it appeared Michelle's sutures (think of the soft spot that everyone tells you they don't want to close too soon, well you have more then one.) in the front of her head had fused early but that she had plenty of room for her brain now. I let him know that a few years back we did do the cranial band for her because her therapist was concerned over the shape that her skull had taken on back then.

After that it was off to go wait some more. We hurried on up back to the PICU to go drop off a couple of stuffed friends of hers that I knew she would want if she were to wake up. After that we were lurkers in the hall just hanging around waiting to see her. It didn't take long for them to come down the hall with her. A quick kiss and they took her back to her room. We went and ate lunch and came back up to wait for her to wake up a bit.

Let me tell you those first words out of her mouth were music to my ears. I honestly didn't expect her to wake up tonight. I figured that it would at least be until tomorrow. She's been in and out for a few hours. She just had about a 15 minute window of alertness to let us know she was thirsty and she's been back to sleep ever since.

These are the things she has now let me know she doesn't like:

* Her eyes are almost swollen shut

* The face masks we got her are very cold

* She wants her super mummy wrapped head unwrapped and that it itches

* That she can't go home yet.

A little list of things in my book that can be fixed. Thank you everyone who has made it a point to call, text and follow along! The doctors are very happy with how she is progressing this evening and I just hope she is able to keep it up and her pain stays down!

I will update as I can!

This ones a ton of heavy information..

You know when things are just going more then fantastic and you just never have the thought of when the one terrible thing will happen?

Things have been great! I returned to work, the kids have been doing fantastic, they have been sick yes but we're all on the mend!

Now that I start thinking about it I see a few signs. The babysitter said one day Michelle seemed off to her. I mentioned to Shawn to just keep an eye on her and let me know what's up. She started being "normal" again. Then there was the tiring while walking. Walking is still so new for her I didn't even think it could be a sign. Then she was stumbling while crawling. Again it could just be because she was super active that day.. I shrugged it all off.

Monday...

Phone call from the school, Michelle was complaint of headache but seemed fine. So I said ok! Lets give her some water and call me back if she worsens. I was busy trying to get over a horrible cold that Abigail had given me. 30 minutes later changed I to the grabbing of a sweatshirt making a quick decision to not change the children's clothes and out the door in pjs we all went to get Michelle. This phone call was, she threw up, twice, seized on the way to the office and then again while waiting for me. I was busy arguing with the nurse to let me assess her first before calling ems. I get there and she's completely unconscious, barely responsive but is able to communicate.

I took her home. You know sometimes a seizure is just a seizure and its not really big business... Unless they continue. In the 20 minutes she was with me we had 3 more. A swift call for emergency services sent the fire department blaring sirens through our neighborhood. Michelle got a first class ticket to Rady Children's Hospital in San Diego.

Between fighting a head cold and trying to decipher what was actually being asked and what was being told in the emergency department is still a bit of a blur. A stat ct scan was ordered along with the normal labs and X-rays. Scan looked normal.... X-rays were fine. The only thing, her sodium was low by 4 points.

We got a first class ticket to PICU for seizure watch and shunt watch. First if all the PICU staff here is amazing. We've only been through PICU at balboa for all of an hour so this is a new trip for us. In Michelle's view its yay new friends!

Monday night was ok. Monday morning brought on whining, screaming, fits upon fits. We tried hypertonic saline to increase the sodium and hopefully rehydrate her brain a little, decadron to help any swelling that may be going on, keppra for the seizures and diamox for something I can't remember. After discovering a severe allergy to the diamox it was quickly discontinued. They noted no improvement with the exception of the seizures due to the keppra. Off to ct we went and then quickly to the or.

What came next honestly my gut already knew. Her shunt was blocked. Being cautiously optimistic I took this as a possible solution. Michelle woke after having minimal airway issues and quickly started eating and drinking. We managed to get discharged to the step down PICU here. Then things just went very quickly downhill.

Michelle quit responding. She started seizing. She started vomiting. Her vitals started falling quickly. The neurologist and neurosurgeons quickly noticed her right eye was deviating to the right, that got her a rush to the ct scan and angry doctors yelling at hospital personnel to MOVE!

Very quickly ct was over and we were rushed back to PICU. Neurologists wanted her hooked up to an EEG ASAP. Neurosurgeons were arguing thinking this was a seizure even though she wasn't having any clear signs of it. Finally they all just agreed to give her a second loading dose of keppra and send her back to the or.

With the shunt blocked yet again surgery was unavoidable. Although they were unsure this was even the problem at this point. They just went in to look. It was almost about 2 hours until we got the word that surgery was over. While speaking with Dr. Meltzer he informed us that with Michelle having slit ventrical syndrome she was becoming a candidate for an operation to expand her skull. In a slightly barbaric kind of way he said "we will break her skull and give her brain room to move and hope everything expands out and this could stop". In a not so kind way I sort of yelled "you would do what?!" Husband doesn't think that sounds barbaric but I do. After literally breaking down for about the 4th time we went on back to PICU to wait.. And wait... And wait..

Finally! Michelle came back up to he room. Extubated, awake, using words, thirsty and hungry! She was given a little morphine and that has been her night so far! She's eating (everything she can including my salad. She loves salad.). She's drinking so much they have turned her fluids down 3 times. We've had to change her sheets now twice. Thankfully they got us a normal bed so were co-sleeping at the moment (hopefully those chux pads do their job!) and she's sleeping off another dose of morphine.

I don't see us leaving tomorrow as we had hoped. Neurosurgery kind of stomped that one down but I'm hoping for Friday at least! She's different tonight versus last night. I can't put my finger on it but there's definitely something. I'm cautiously optimistic that this is almost over and we will be home soon.

And seriously, hug a nurse... They put up with way too much.

Since so many people feel the need to share their opinion on this, here's mine.

It seems to me that people today have an "issue" with the number of children someone has. 

Today for example I took Michelle to therapy like I do every Thursday. The only difference today is I had ALL of my kids plus an extra munchkin. Boy the stares that got me. I got asked by about 5 different people if the 5 in the waiting room were all mine. I kindly replied that one wasn't but yes the other 4 were and that my other daughter was in the back receiving her physical therapy. The one and only response I got from EVERYONE was " You have 5 kids?!" Why yes, yes I do and I am very happy and very blessed.

Seriously?? The shock factor for myself that I have 5 have pretty much burned off now. But I guess "people" need a little more time to learn not to judge.... 

Why do people feel the need to put their foot in their mouth? Why is it such a BIG deal that I have a large family? You know 20 years ago it wasn't so uncommon to see LARGE families. I have 3 brothers. My husband has 6 brothers and 6 sisters (chew on that one for a while). I LOVE my large family. I don't see someone with a large family as such a bad thing. Maybe it is because I am such a "young" mom. I sure don't see myself as young, heck I am 26. 

Maybe it's the economy that is driving everyone to comment. It seems like once you get past 3 kids everyone feels the need to say dumb and random things like "how do you do it", "don' you know what causes that?", "huh was the heat out in your house?" <--- this one has a funny story I will get to in a minute, my personal FAVORITE "must all be deployment babies". You should hear the ones I get once someone finds out about Michelle. One day I actually looked at a lady and said "How does your foot taste?"

So back to my deployment one.. TODAY of all days I was standing out front of my house watching the mail man put the mail in the boxes impatiently waiting for him to finish (I was waiting on a package for the girls) and one of my neighbors was outside. He had the sweetest little boy and I was making those funny faces we all make when we see a smiling baby. He asked how many kids I had and I said 5. His comment back was are they all deployment babies? I said no only one. He looked shocked. I with as straight of a face as I could (his baby was just too cute) said the rest were just REALLY cold nights. The mailman thought I was hilarious (so did the baby).

But really can someone please tell me WHY one must comment on the amount of children someone else chooses to have. I mean if you do not have to raise them, pay for their clothes, shoes, food, college why even butt in in the first place. Leave us large families alone. And just remember one day that could be YOU!

Just sayin'

Lets get blogging!

Yup i'm here... To stay and not be so anti-blog...


You see the last pregnancy really got to me... I was bored, in pain, bored, tired and just never really wanted to move...


Now that the sweet little man is here and is finally cooperating like he should be, I'M BACK!!


So lets get this straight; in the last four months of being a mother to 5 these are the things I have learned (warning the list is long)

• You still cannot do anything by yourself so do not even attempt it.
• Your two year old will turn into a COMPLETE monster. Haha you think terrible twos are bad just wait until they get close to three.
• When your husband uses the term "Oh my Tara there is shit everywhere'.. He means that there literally is SHIT everywhere and that the said shit is coming from the baby.
• Cloth diapers do NOT hold the said stuff above. Well at least they don't hold my sons said stuff above. Duct tape was discussed at one point.
• The laundry will NEVER be caught up and your husband will say, I am wearing your socks because I cannot find any of mine.
• Chances are SOMEONE will injure themselves to the point of no return and require surgery.. *cough cough* Husband did this.. I still have not forgiven him. ( the last part was a joke laugh haha)
• The said baby will REFUSE to nap unless you sit there and nurse him for TWO HOURS STRAIGHT. Let it be known Hunter is off the "juice" and on formula.. All you formula hating your poisoning your baby hippies go away now. My milk producing days are over and I don't feel the least bit guilty plus my little man is happy and gaining weight.
• Have I mentioned you will never have clean laundry?
• Dishes will wait for another day
• Grocery shopping will wait for another week until you literally look at your bare cupboards and FORCE your tired sleep deprived butt to the store.
• Ponytails will become your BEST FRIEND ever... Put the hair stuff away cause you WILL NOT HAVE TIME.
• Your kids will fight.. I'm not talking about arguing I'm talking about fists flying and black eyes happening days before family pictures.
• You will never know what day it is.. The only reason I know today is the 12th is because I had parent teacher conferences today.
• Your couch will have a permanent imprint of your behind on the days that all the baby wants to do is be held... And that will happen a lot.
• You will learn what to lock up from the said 2 year old who has some sort of demonic creature telling her what to do.
• You WILL make time to shower because you know without that said shower that the monkeys make come from the zoo twice a week just to groom you.
• You will make dumb choices like, do a family photo shoot on the beach, in the winter, without any help of any sort. DON'T DO IT.
• Your 2 year old will tell random old men that her baby brother eats from mommies boob.... That one is awkward for many reasons.

My list could go on but I think I should stop scaring innocent people into abstinence for the rest of their life...

On a serious note. Life is GREAT. Kids are great. Michelle is learning like crazy. James and Shawn are doing great and Abigail has yet to rid herself of her demonic creature friend who tells her to do REALLY bad things like play with nail polish all the way to her elbow.

Big Shawn will be having surgery to repair his leg next month. Super nervous about that. I had my no more baby surgery back in October and I did not so well on the meds and I can tolerate stuff way better then he can so I'm a little nervous to see what happens, but his leg will be better.


Kids start winter break on Friday so wish me luck that my list doesn't get longer.

Enjoy one of my favorite pictures from our shoot a couple weeks ago.

Spring break 2011

This week has been so much fun! Not only is my morning sickness pretty much GONE (with the exception of that one day where me and the toothbrush didn't agree) but my kids were home with me all day long!!!!!!

I loved it. Although I am finding my patience is not what it used to be I still loved every single minute of it.

This week was special. Why? Because James is officially 7 years old. Yesterday was his birthday! I cannot believe it. 7 years ago we had our first baby. And now were on our 5th.

It's been cold and un predictable here in SoCal the last 3 days. One minute it is sunny and the next it's raining. As much as I have enjoyed it I do wish spring would hurry up and it would be summer already. Im getting anxious to meet this new addition of ours. Who is now 17 weeks gestation. He/she is now the size of a large Turnip.

We have just a couple of more weeks before we go in for our anatomy ultrasound. April 28th is the day. I will be one day shy of 20 weeks. So get your votes in now for what you think we are having!! Oh bummer though that I have to stop my Prgesterone injections after just two rounds because I am allergic to some sort of whatever that they use to compound the drug. So taking it easy with 4 kids is what I am being ordered to do.

Exciting news!

Extremely exciting news!!!

On the very first day of this year Shawn and I got a very shocking surprise...Were expecting!!!!!!

Baby number 5 should make his/her grand appearance sometime in late August or early September :)

Homecoming 12-17-2010

Friday was so amazing. Seeing the kids faces when they saw not only thier dad but some very good friends of ours return home from a very long and frustrating deployment was just amazing.

We were able to hang around for a while with everyone while we waited for the rest of my husbands company to get back before they were released. And for the first time ever I got to take him home during daylight (that never happens lol).

I wish everyone could have seen Michelle. When you think Daddy's girl lets just take that and times it by about 100!!! It was so amazing to see her with him. He cannot believe the way the kids have grown and we were all shocked that Abigail knew exactly who he was.

If you look closely Michelle's hand is wrapped around his neck

Shawn and all the kids

Shawn, Sierra, Austin, James, Shawn Jr

Shawn and Michelle. She would not let go of him

Shawn and his brother D.J (also a Marine)

James upset because he got sprayed by some water spout (it was funny)

Cleaning him up. It didnt help that he was already wet because of the rain.

We were giving her tons of kisses and she was loving it!

His sister called and he got to talk to her.

Shawn and I and some very good friends of ours

This right here is a priceless picture.

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Enjoying five minutes of peace watching the helicopters bring in the other companies.

Welcome home my love

                                                                   12-17-2010

I feel like..

A complete emotional wreck.. Its been 7 months since I have seen my husband... I have either a little less or a little more then 48 hours until I see him again. It's been 7 MONTHS. 7 very LONG and eventful months.

Currently these are my thoughts

* Why can't the laundry do itself..
* What has gotten into my kids?
*How in the world am I going to pull off everything that I have to do?
* What in the world do I wear???
* What do the kids wear?
* And last but not least... Where oh where did I put my brain that normall is completely in control of everything because currently the one that I have feels and is acting like complete mush :(

I cannot wait for this week to be over but at the same time the anxiety is really starting to get to me... I just want my husband home!!!

We have been BUSY...

And thats to say the least... Busy. What in the world does that word mean within the Cope household??? It means 4 kids and a momma all on her own with some help from some wonderful friends and family... And it also means that we are getting ready for something very special...


Someone very near and dear to my heart is coming home... Can you guess who that is?!

If you guessed Shawn then you are very right!!!!!

We cannot wait and are very excited and BUSY!!!!!!! Yay!!!!!!

Dear Epilepsy,

You annoy me. You annoy me so much it brings my mood down. You annoy me so much that everytime you decide to do your annoying thing it brings me very very close to tears. And feel free to dissapear at any point and time

Sincerely,
An annoyed parent.

Michelle had her Neurology appointment yesterday. That was annoying. I love her new Neurologist. Im glad we got away from the other one. He may be the director of the department but her annoys me. So much so that I have made a very good point in telling him (my mouth gets me into a lot of trouble at times).

On Sunday we were sitting quietly on the couch watching football (well Michelle was mommy was yelling at the tv hehe:) ) and Michelle started grunting and just staring at the tv. I got no response from her. Her breathing got very fast and she just sat there and grunted. When she started arching her back and the grunting got worst thats when I knew what she was doing. That was annoying.

So of course yesterday when we were at the appointment she did it.. Again. That was annoying. Of course the doctor has a few different ideas for us. Those are also annoying.

Idea #1- Wait and see.. (like I said annoying.)

Idea#2- Wait and see what she does but also run an EEG and depending on what it says start Topamax. He also went on to say that if her seizures were caused by her Hydrocephalus (10% of Hydrocephalus patients suffer from seizures when their shunts fail) that the medication would do nothing for her and we would basically be giving her a pointless medication. Again ANNOYING.

Idea # 3- Give her the medicine NOW and see if it helps her headaches and also do the other 2 ideas while were at it.

Here's my idea....

DON'T give her a medication that in the long term can leave her with some pretty nasty side effects. Not to mention that it may not even work! The last 5 medications havent worked.

Do the EEG and see if its definite seizure activity and then talk about a DIFFERENT approach to the medication stand.

Do continue with the Tylenol and Motrin for her headaches and if they DONT go away look for a different headache medication. If you can't tell im slightly against the topamax.

Michelle doesn't seem to be suffering from anything at this point. The mood swings are still there. The tiredness is still there. The im going to be a complete pain in your you know what is still there. So here I sit. More annoyed then I was Sunday.

Turning into frustration...

Thursday was a bad day for me. To find out that someone hurt my daughter, intentional or not, was and still is completely heart breaking. I made a ton of phone calls Friday morning. Including an early morning phone call to our pediatrician only to be advised to bring her in ASAP since she didn't sleep very well the night prior..

We went and saw one of the on call docs and he checked her out from head to toe. Making sure to pay extra attention to all 3 of her shunts. We were asked to hold off on the imaging seeing as how Michelle has had A LOT of x-rays in her small little life. He said lets see if her symptoms get worst and if they do head straight to the ER in San Diego and we will have a physicians referall waiting for you and you wont wait.

The doctor called in the physicians referall and talked to the attending who knows Michelle very well who actually called us Saturday morning to check on her. Which was fantastic. We didn't have to go to the ER at all. Im thinking that she was just a little sore and that it has worked itself out.

Im trying as hard as I can to keep my cool with the school and the school district. The nurse informed me that Michelle was never taken to her office and that had she been she never would have been put on the bus. They would have asked me to come up there ASAP. Which is the protocol that we set in stone from her first IEP meeting.

It's frustrating because I want to go somewhere with this situation and I feel like im still stuck on Thursday. It doesn't help matters that 3 of the kiddos have all had a stomach bug and decided to share it with me today. Yay me :(

First soccer game

So not only am I sunburnt from todays soccer games but im exhausted.

James's team did a fantastic job. Excellent sportsmanship and all. Even when they figured out that they had won the game 6-2 'Green Bombers'.

James is a natural. Im talking like his coach kicked him a ball and has managed to impress us all. He needs help in certain areas but my goodness. I absolutely loved watching him out on the field today.

Shawn's team played today too. It's cute watching a bunch of 5 year olds run around trying to play. Im sure as time goes on they will all get better. I can tell Shawn isn't as big of a soccer fanatic as James is but in time he may prove me wrong.  They dont keep score and we have no refs but it was still fun to watch.