"That" smell..

Eyes closed...

Ears listening....

Sounds beeping...

Babies sleeping, eating, crying....

I don't really know what I was doing earlier today. I was in Michelle's closet and had "touched" something. I don't know what it was... I can't put my finger on it. I was sitting on the couch and I sneezed and of course covered my sneeze and when I inhaled everything flooded into my head.. April 14th around 6 in the morning the first time I ever smelt "that" smell.

I can close my eyes and see the NICU doors. The scrub station. I can "hear" the monitors. I can "see" the fishbowl. I can SMELL that smell. The peace. The innocence of all of those babies. One of them being mine. I go back to that and my heart aches. I feel a pull. I remember those words.. "Her brain hemmoraged." "These things just sometimes happen". "Mrs. Cope my name is Major Melton im the Pediatric Neurosurgeon."

I can feel that all over again. It hurts to think about it. It's hard to feel it again. 40 months have gone by since she was born. 3 years 4 months 9 days. Too many feelings since that day. Too many tears have fallen. Too many "it's going to be ok" too many "her shunt has malfunctioned again" too many nurses, too many doctors, too many of things that noone should ever have to see/hear/feel/learn.

I am the type of person who is SOOO GRATEFUL that I have the HARDEST time explaining it. I have a husband who has served two tours in Iraq and come home safely to me each time. I have two sons who are just the sweetest things they make your heart melt. I have two little girls who smile and you want to give them whatever it is they want. Michelle was my wakeup into a world I pray every day that noone else has to enter. She's my miracle.

My miracle starts her second year of school on Thursday. Maybe that is what got me rummaging around in her closet. I organize and re organize everything on the weekends. Before she went to sleep tonight she kissed us goodnight and promptly told us for about the 50th time today that when she goes to school she is going to ride the bus. There are two things in this world that she will never forget. 1) She broke her leg and 2) She rides the bus to school!

Everynight before I go to sleep I walk down the hall and tip toe into everyone's room to give them one more kiss, cover them up and tell them I love them. It's just one more thing that I have HAD to do since that first "smell".

We have had a very fun and interesting week this week! Abigail has discovered that she can hold her own bottle. And she loves to watch T.V. with Michelle. Preferrably on my bed. The girls got to take their first bath together and loved it! Towards the end Abigal was inching her way towards Michelle so she could play with her! It was soo cute!

James, Shawn and Michelle all start school in less than a week. Can't really say im not that excited! They are all relatively bored with summer vacation. With Michelle having had surger just a week ago we are limited as to what we can do and where we can go. And it is pretty hard for one momma to take 4 kiddos to the beach and Sea World all on my own! Shawn has had a very busy work schedule that has kept us limited for time with him. I truely cherish what little time that I do get with him.

We are gearing up for another deployment here soon so our time will continue to get smaller and smaller together. Im excited for the holiday's because we will have plenty of time with him! Luckily they get a pretty good amount of time to spend with family.

I feel extrodinaly blessed today. I feel as though God has given me so much and sometimes I overlook all the good and dwell on the negative. I guess when so much has happened in the last 3 months it starts to get to a person (mainly me).

I am working on a new project over the next week or so. Michelle has no more cup at nap time and I am currently cutting out cup all day. Im trying to get it to when she asks or when I think she needs one. Plus im introducing straw cups versus a sippy cup. Bedtime is slightly different. She gets the cup at bedtime but it's going to be water. No more milk no more juice. It will be difficult as she is VERY attatched but I feel as though she is ready.

Were home!

Michelle was able to come home last night! Yay!

The Neurologist came by and decided that Michelle does not suffer from any sort of headache condition. He feels that any and all of her headaches are because of her shunt. So at least we can cross taht off of our lists of worries.

She slept so good last night and is taking a nap right now. Im just glad that she is happy to be home and is doing so good. We go back in 2 weeks to get her stitches or as she says itchies out.

2009=5 surgeries in 3 months...

Sheesh! Michelle is recovering right now in her room at the Children's hospital from her 5th surgery of the year. The Neurosurgeon opted not to wait another day when he came into her room after he was paged 6 times. At first it was calm she was excited to see him and then she just completely turned around like you struck her in the head with a baseball bat.

I have NEVER in my 3 years seen a Neuro go from hey lets wait and see how she is in the morning and get a scan to call the OR and tell them she is coming RIGHT NOW. Scared the begeebers out of me but im glad that she is doing better.

Tomorrow/today she is getting a consult with the Neurologist to see if she possibly suffers from migranes. Like she really needs something else right?! So hopefully she can come home tomorrow. This momma misses having her snore in her ear through the monitor all night long. Shawn is taking the night shift so that I can be home to nurse Abigail so that I don't have to pump all the time. Plus it's hard to store her milk because I can't use their fridge and ice packs only last so long.

Oh I did learn something new today about shunts.... Michelle now has a "slippery" shunt. This one is kinda coated with a grease so that it wont clog off as quickly. She had and has one/one's with antibiotics in it to help prevent infections. And finally there is the "spidy" one. That has a bunch of pricklies at the end that also help to keep it from getting clogged. See you learn something new everyday. And I thought I knew alot about hydro.

Finally a reason..

Abigail got diagnosed last week with a condition known as vesicoureteral reflux (VUR).

It explains her random fevers. E-coli in her urine. Yes I said E-coli!! How crazy is that???!!!

We have to go see the urologist at Children's as soon as my insurance approves the referal.

On a good note it isn't as bad as it could be. It's in the happy medium version. She has a grade 3 on both sides. So with a new regimine of Antibiotics daily we should be able to prevent her from getting further infections.

Oh and on a scary note you should have seen the crazy brown recluse I found in my laundry basket this morning!!! Oh did it scare me. I practically pulled Shawn out of the shower to come catch it a kill it! I was doing research on them and it says that you can't just bomb your house it doesn't kill them you have to set sticky traps. Well no where sells these darn traps. So im cleaning out all of the closets this week and selling stuff on craigslist. Im not about to have one of the kids get bit by one because it was in their stuff!

Hey I have already made some money. Im putting all the money away for Christmas and a surprise trip im taking my hubby on! Good thing he never reads my blog or I wouldn't be able to write that here! Ok off to bed the morning comes very early with 4 kids!

Hahaha

"Mommy, I got no more itchies". My crazy daughter! She is sooo funny. We went to the Pediatrician today to get her stitches out. Neurosurgery can't schedule appointments because they are changing the appointment schedule stuff it's weird idk. Well she looks over at me when we were done and says "Mommy, I got no more itchies".

Playing around with one of my passions...

Photography. I love it. Let me know what you think. I took these of my friends 3 month old today.