"That" smell..

Eyes closed...

Ears listening....

Sounds beeping...

Babies sleeping, eating, crying....

I don't really know what I was doing earlier today. I was in Michelle's closet and had "touched" something. I don't know what it was... I can't put my finger on it. I was sitting on the couch and I sneezed and of course covered my sneeze and when I inhaled everything flooded into my head.. April 14th around 6 in the morning the first time I ever smelt "that" smell.

I can close my eyes and see the NICU doors. The scrub station. I can "hear" the monitors. I can "see" the fishbowl. I can SMELL that smell. The peace. The innocence of all of those babies. One of them being mine. I go back to that and my heart aches. I feel a pull. I remember those words.. "Her brain hemmoraged." "These things just sometimes happen". "Mrs. Cope my name is Major Melton im the Pediatric Neurosurgeon."

I can feel that all over again. It hurts to think about it. It's hard to feel it again. 40 months have gone by since she was born. 3 years 4 months 9 days. Too many feelings since that day. Too many tears have fallen. Too many "it's going to be ok" too many "her shunt has malfunctioned again" too many nurses, too many doctors, too many of things that noone should ever have to see/hear/feel/learn.

I am the type of person who is SOOO GRATEFUL that I have the HARDEST time explaining it. I have a husband who has served two tours in Iraq and come home safely to me each time. I have two sons who are just the sweetest things they make your heart melt. I have two little girls who smile and you want to give them whatever it is they want. Michelle was my wakeup into a world I pray every day that noone else has to enter. She's my miracle.

My miracle starts her second year of school on Thursday. Maybe that is what got me rummaging around in her closet. I organize and re organize everything on the weekends. Before she went to sleep tonight she kissed us goodnight and promptly told us for about the 50th time today that when she goes to school she is going to ride the bus. There are two things in this world that she will never forget. 1) She broke her leg and 2) She rides the bus to school!

Everynight before I go to sleep I walk down the hall and tip toe into everyone's room to give them one more kiss, cover them up and tell them I love them. It's just one more thing that I have HAD to do since that first "smell".