With love I grow patience.....

One thing becoming a mother has taught me is you must have patience for the things you cannot control.

I was never a patient person. I have had my moments of meltdowns along the way... Screaming, crying, praying.... I have asked why but gotten no answer right away and that always made me wonder... Is someone really listening to me or is the "god" a figmant of everyone's imagination??

Being a family of a special needs child is hard. At times you feel like you were cursed.. I see Michelle as a blessing from above. I prayed in my head for a beautiful baby girl.. I recieved one... I prayed in my head for my daughter to make it through her battle against brain damage... She made it.... I prayed for an answer as to why she was born early, why all these things happened to her, why my patience was being tried... I didn't get all of them right away.. But with patience I got them...

Lately my mind has been thinking is there more that I as a parent can do for her? For my sons? What more can I do? How much of a difference in time am I really going to have when James starts school in 3 weeks??? How much of that am I really going to be able to spend with Shawn Jr. and Michelle?? I know my questions will be answered but my patience is starting to run thin...

I worry about the amount of time I will have come January. With a baby on the way and 3 others at home I find myself wondering..... Who knows maybe im being paranoied... Maybe it's just the hormones talking.. I find those running ramped these days... I have too many things to worry about... Between children who are here and this one on the way... Is this baby going to have a battle like Michelle??? Is it going to come on time and "healthy"?

Ok some may think... Michelle isn't sick, she wasn't born "sick"... True she wasn't born that way... But when I was pregnant with her we were in and out of the dr.'s because they were watching her growth and a few other things via ultrasound... Michelle's hydrocephalus COULD be congenetal... Will we ever know this for sure... Never... What is the probability that I will have another child with this... there is a possibility as there is that I can walk into the street and get hit by a bus.... But I still worry...

Hormones proabably.... Patience.... Being tested...